who am I, without You?

Dear Fellow Readers ~ I am a Christian. I believe everything happens for a reason and I believe God has us in the palm of his hand.

And so, I must write about the last few days of my Charlie’s life. After several months of noticing her decline, I knew the decision must be made to let her go. Our vet wasn’t doing in home euthanasia, and this was important to me to let her go where she had spent her life, and so I had called another in-town vet. I knew they were equipped to do it as my sister had just recently walked the same path with her precious Reese. (Another Pawflection character.)

It was to happen on Thursday. Doug and I were scheduled to leave town on Sunday. My goal was to give myself enough time to grieve, but not be able to wallow in it. And so, the celebration of Charlie’s life began.

On that Wednesday, I had been invited to read Pawflection at Longfellow Elementary. What I didn’t realize at the time, I would end up reading to every single student at Longfellow. I also talked about a new podcast, a friend of mine and I are starting, Writers Wrestling, in which we will encourage “creators” to fight for their image. Well, that day I fought for the image of the Charlie from her younger days. The one that could jump up to her spot in the window or could jump into the car or onto the couch.

Being able to read Pawflection to so many wonderful children about the love of my life was incredibly therapeutic.

Thursday, the incredibly brave and sweet doctors from Creekside Veterinary Clinic came to help Charlie pass with dignity and grace. Charlie was laying in her doggie bed in front of the fireplace. So many memories of her laying there over the years. I had grabbed her blanket from her office doggie bed and wrapped it around her. I laid her head in my lap. My sister, Teresa, daughter Taylor, and nieces Kelsi and Kate were with us. I remember crying so hard, holding her and whispering over and over. I love you. I love you so much and then echoing the words from Pawflection. I love you very, very much. I remember thinking, who am I without you? I remember the vets asking me are you ready? I was sobbing and I looked at each of the girls and each time, I whispered, “Should I, Should I?” I couldn’t believe what I was doing and yet, I knew she was miserable living the way she was. I said, “God, please wrap us in your arms.” I shook by head yes to the vets and said to Charlie, “it is now time to go meet Jesus.” I could feel her go limp in my arms. Taylor, my beautiful, strong, incredibly empathic daughter who is also a nurse (God’s Calling for her.) came to me and she helped Charlie close her eyes.

As I am writing this, I am crying. But today, they are different tears. Rather the sadness, these tears are filled with gratitude. Gratitude for the wonderful care Charlie received all the years of her life from Lakeview Vet Clinic and then from Creekside Vet Clinic on her final day here on earth. Gratitude for so many friends and family reaching out with words of understanding. Gratitude for the bond I had with such a lovable little life force. Gratitude for my amazing family who chose to be here on one of the saddest days of my life. And put simply, gratitude to be able to love fiercely and to just as fiercely decide to let go, as reminded by my Aunt Eileen, “This, my dear, is the circle of life.”

Once Charlie had passed, the vets so delicately took imprints of her nose and paw. They took ink impressions and had a clay form in which I now have a permanent impression of her paw that from since she was a baby would let me hold and rub. (Only the last couple of months did she not like that. I am thinking her nerves were hurting.) I have a picture somewhere of her standing on her hind legs when we were out in the field, and I was holding her paw as if she was a toddler. Remembering back to that makes me smile.

Within minutes of the girls leaving, Taylor text me and said, “Mom, I ordered this shadow box. Once it is here, I will come out to the house and will put all of Charlies things in it so you can display it in your office.” So much comfort in that small gesture.

We had planned for Charlie to be buried at the lodge with Woody, Jack and Spud, so I had run to Elfstrand’s Hardware to get the tote that we would transport her in. It was the perfect size for her office doggie bed. The Dakota Wild Wings t-shirt I had worn to bed the night prior was also placed in the tote with her. So, here my girl was, laying so peacefully curled up in her doggie bed, with blanket and t-shirt. I laid the securely closed tote on the big doggie bed in the garage, knowing Doug would be here the next day to get her. At first, the thought of her being in the garage bothered me, however, I then became ok with knowing she was still close. However, Doug did come home the next day and when I was going out to the garage to say goodbye to her. A bird flew down from the ceiling! I screamed and then laughed. I knew Charlie didn’t want me to be sad.

The next day, my car sold! I said Charlie was working her magic from up above. 

Friday, I allowed myself to question my decision, to miss her and mourn her.

Saturday was an author event at Barnes & Noble. What an incredible opportunity to meet other fellow authors and to showcase my books! BN is now carrying Pawflection on their shelves! Again, Charlie helping from above.  

Sunday, Doug and I were scheduled to fly out for our trip. We had a SD blizzard and so our 7:30 am flight was cancelled, next flight Tuesday at 2. The interstate was closed statewide. Doug said “I will drive to the backroads, if I think we can make it, we will drive it. If I don’t think we can make it, we will turn back around.” Doug reminded me, if we get home, just think how fun it will be to have a blizzard party!  And so, we drove back to Mitchell in zero-degree weather, slippery roads and blowing snow. Bosco and Jack were so happy to see us! They hadn’t been picked up yet by Kaden, and we were so happy! It was like we had been given 2 free days at home that we weren’t expecting.

When we got back to town Doug and I stopped at the grocery store and bought the fixins for goulash. We were back in Mitchell by 11 am. I got busy doing all the things I meant to do before leaving for our trip that didn’t get done. I cleaned my kitchen spotless, was able to get the laundry done and put away. Sunday night, Teresa, Taylor, Kate, Kelsi and Zack, Doug and I had a blizzard party! Creativity, pizza, white wine, m&ms, ice cream and Nertz! This was the night, my niece Kate started working on the illustrations for my next childrens' book, Charlie Girl. And the best news? School was cancelled for the next day!

So, Monday included catching up on work and watching my favorite You Tuber, Emily D Baker with the Kouri Richens trial. (Guilty on all charges). And going to the movies with Doug, Taylor, Max, Camden, Harper and Theo. We went to Hoppers. It was cute!

 Today is Tuesday. In 2 days, it will be a week that Charlie has been gone. There are moments where I am so mad! Mad that I had to say goodbye! And then I am sad and just cry. And then I remember, to have had such a sweet, innocent, and fiercely loyal love that Charlie shown me? I I am the luckiest person in the world!!! I will also fight for the images I want to remember.

“Remember, my dear, this is the circle of life.”